Back-to-school is here. My kids say: “Don’t even worry about it”
I still stress about my kids returning to school, but they tell me they've got it handled. As a Stoic parent, I'm reminding myself that they own this moment!
… All that you presently behold will change in no time whatever and cease to exist; and constantly reflect on how many such changes you yourself have already witnessed.
‘The universe is change, and life mere opinion.’*
-Marcus Aurelius, The Meditations, 4:3 (*quote from Democrates’ sayings)
For many years, I’ve written about my back-to-school jitters. Every year, I have been concerned about the school environments that my daughters would encounter, and how they would handle their new classrooms. Every year, I’ve suffered a stomach ache. But this year is different. This year, I just have one returning high school student, and another student heading off to begin college.
And this year, I’m even more aware that as my children have grown deeper into their teenage years, they own this experience far more than I do—which I’m reminded about by my daughters’ simple phrase: “Don’t even worry about it.” It’s a mantra they’ve shared with me multiple times. Now it’s running like an old-fashioned public service message through my head, countering some of the concerns that bother me. More on that in a minute!
My older child going off to college this year has been much anticipated and planned for over the past year, so it’s no surprise. And as the quote from Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations above reminds us, all in life is constant change and impermanence. As soon as we get used to one thing, we change to the next. My daughter spent huge amounts of time investigating colleges/universities, visiting campuses, working on essays and applications, going through the bizarre waiting game of the college admissions process —a story for another day—and making a decision about where she’d continue her education. Through that time, the whole family was along for the stressful roller-coaster ride, during which many, many aspects were outside of my daughter’s control.
Then, after all that, it was amazing to witness her sense of joy at graduating from high school in June. Her high school time was marred by the pandemic, which here in California shut things down for over a full year for in-person public school. She missed many months on campus with her peers and her teachers, and then the back to school period was still a very cautious and uncertain time with the pandemic affecting many families and classrooms. She worked to make up for lost time when she got back in-person, and she committed to being part of the school community through sports, clubs, and leadership. She got deeply involved in her large public high school, where the pressures here in Silicon Valley are strong to excel, and many students are being guided into careers built on elite educations (with high earning potential). I’m not saying this focus is necessarily wrong (see my post on our expensive American lives), but at the same time, the constant pressure for students to game the system to get ahead, compete with others, and fill their resumes with “productive” activity during every waking moment created burnout and, frankly, anguish for everyone involved. (My post on student achievement and intensive parenting goes into this topic in much more detail). She also observed cheating, cyber bullying, and other tough situations among peers.
The concept of the Stoic archer has been one key way of coping with this situation. My daughter liked the idea of aiming for her goals and trying her best with her metaphorical arrow to get the bulls-eye. But we all know the winds will go wherever Fortune may send them, and they did periodically knock her arrows off course. In the long run, she will have the chance to shoot even more arrows as she goes out into the world.
This year, I don’t think of her having a traditional “back-to-school.” Instead, she will have a very different, new, and independent experience becoming a college student. And how she handles it will rely on her own ruling center, far away from me and her family. She’s ready for that.
Meanwhile, my younger daughter will begin school again back at the same high school, and she hopes to continue to have a more “normal” experience there, post pandemic (for her, the lockdown hit during middle school). Now, just before school begins this month, she’s in a lot of meetings on campus—working on getting engaged in helping out younger students in orientation and doing event planning and leadership projects, trying to make the campus as welcoming as a huge high school can be.
Along the way, she’s finding her own niche, her own sense of self, and her own interests, with guidance here and there from her parents. When in any doubt, my husband and I always advise “just be yourself” along with “don’t panic,” one of my husband’s favorite chestnuts. Let’s add “question your impressions,” as Epictetus taught (or we could use my own version for my kids: “stop, drop, and question your impressions”). There’s also “don’t believe everything you think,” a phrase I’ve heard for many years in pursuing mindfulness and cognitive reframing, most cogently from Byron Katie in her “method of inquiry,” The Work.
Now my kids have something to teach me, too. (Well, they’ve done that for years, if you’ve been following this Substack and blog!) Recently, one of both my daughters’ favorite expressions to me is “don’t even worry about it.” They say it confidently when I bring up questions or potential barriers or issues. For example: Me: “Are you bringing a sunhat to the orientation event at school today?” Kid: “No.” Me: “You could get a sunburn.” Kid: “Don’t even worry about it. I’ve got sunblock.”)
On the one hand, it is reassuring to know that my teens think they’ve got it handled, and that I should not be stressing quite so much… on the other hand, it makes me wonder what I’m not hearing about… and whether it’s really copacetic (Here I am worrying again). I blame my many questions addressed to my daughters on a combination of natural protectiveness, a tendency to worry, and a background as a journalist!
But as I said: This is their journey, and they’re old enough to cope with a lot of things on their own. So I have to trust (that’s another favorite word of my younger daughter when I start asking questions: “Mom, trust!”) that they have learned enough of the independent, critical thinking, and the reason-based approach that I like to talk about with my philosophical principles. It’s now up to them to remember what is in our power, and what’s not in our power, and how to make good use of their minds in assessing impressions.
I hope my kids will still turn to me and my husband for advice and guidance and help (and they do), but as they learn and grow, they have to be in charge of their choices. This is a delicate balance. Being there, being supportive, without telling them what to do. It’s the essence of a Stoic parent or caregiver.
Walking that fine line (as much as I can) between support and freedom is worth it, I think. This approach gives kids intrinsic motivation, as research studies have shown: the most important factor in staying motivated is autonomous choice, not having your parents, family, or others make choices for you. While giving them their own chance to explore, we encourage our kids to try new things, be adventurous, be responsible, and cultivate the virtues (without, of course, expecting them to turn into overnight sages!). And we hope they will assess the world for what it is, rather than what it seems to be, using their judgment and reason.
Sometimes this Stoic approach is aspirational, for me and for everyone else, including teens. But even if we can put just a split second of assessment of whether we should assent it to something or not in between the impression or the knee-jerk reaction and how we act on it, we will undoubtedly live better, and our kids need to hear that. We, as caregivers, also can try to role model this way of thinking and acting ourselves as much as possible. Not an easy task in our stressful, crazy-busy, information-overloaded and overworked lives. But we are doing the best we can in the situation so we’re in, in line with Stoic thinking.
So that’s how I’m approaching my family’s back-to-school. How’s your back-to-school going? Any tips for other parents or caregivers? Please share in the comments!