Book launch for Beyond Stoicism! And: Believing in our kids in 2025

Our book will be released soon - please join our online book launch on Jan. 4! And a message for the new year: Believing that our kids can handle things.

Look what landed on my desk this week! The UK and North American editions of my book with Massimo Pigliucci and Gregory Lopez will be officially released on January 7!

I hope that all is well with you and yours this holiday season! In this post, I’d like to share a few updates from my end, along with a message to inspire our parenting for 2025.

Now that 2024 is drawing to a close, we’re getting very close to the release of my new book, Beyond Stoicism: A Guide to the Good Life with Stoics, Skeptics, Epicureans, and Other Ancient Philosophers, co-authored with Massimo Pigliucci and Gregory Lopez. (In the UK: Live Like a Philosopher.) Both versions are available for pre-order now and will be officially released on January 7!

To commemorate the new book, we will have an online book launch conversation with philosopher and speaker Gregory Sadler on Saturday, January 4 at 10 am PST (1 pm EST) – please register here and join us!

In addition, I will be hosting an in-person book launch event in January at a bookstore in Silicon Valley. If you’re local in the San Francisco Bay Area, please send me a message and I’ll provide more info!

And if you missed my online talk Virtue First: How to Be a Stoic at Work, part of Conversations with Modern Stoicism, you can now view the video on YouTube. I focused on how people can exercise the Stoic virtues in the workplace—which is one of the key aspects of my work as a Stoic-inspired leadership coach for professional clients. After my presentation, I had the chance to learn about workplace triumphs and challenges from session participants in breakout rooms. We agreed that we could all use a little Stoicism on the job!

New Year’s reflection: Believe in your kids

I’m not a huge resolutions person, but I do like to pause and reflect as we begin the new year. And this year, I’d like to share a message that we can send our kids in 2025: “I believe in you, and I know you can handle it.”

We’ve all been through situations where our kids wanted to avoid doing something. It could be something super understandable like the prospect of getting shots at the doctor’s office. How many people enjoy needles? It’s a natural fear. When it was time for vaccinations, I would tell my kids when they arrived at the doctor’s that there would be shots—and that I knew they could handle it. As an added bonus, I said that if they made it through, I’d take them to the Baskin-Robbins across the street for ice cream. The ice cream was to soften the mild pain I knew they’d feel temporarily. The main thing I was communicating was: I know you can handle this. There was crying for sure, but overall things went fine.

This is true for social situations and sibling relationships, too. An example is taking turns. Many times when my kids were both very small I worked to negotiate between them, directing them taking turns with a toy or a swing or something similar. When they were past the toddler years, I made it my policy for them to work it out with each other, letting them know that I believed the two of them could figure it out. I didn’t need to be the one managing it for them all the time. They communicated and collaborated, and in the long run this communication brought them closer. (Of course as a parent or caregiver, you have to be on guard for the times it doesn’t work. One exception was a very, very special glittery magic wand that they just couldn’t share. I moved it to the tippy top shelf of the linen closet—choosing to put the toy in time out until the kids’ obsession with it cooled!)

This approach goes against the grain of more intensive or intrusive parenting styles that communicate “I don’t believe in you to be capable; instead, I, as a parent, need to take care of everything. I, as a parent, will do things for you—rather than taking the risk to let you figure it out.” The underlying message is that I don’t trust or believe that you, my child, can handle things.

If we “believe in” our kids and set the expectation that we know they can handle difficult challenges or new endeavors or even failures, we believe they have the strength to rise to the occasion. That way, they can live up to our expectations.

In a way, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Here’s what I think: If I believe you can do something, it helps you also believe you can do the thing, too. And there’s an added wrinkle. If we mutually respect each other, and I tell you that I think you can handle it and allow you to try (rather than micromanaging), you are more likely to want to prove me right about my belief.

In addition to going against intrusive parenting styles, this approach also runs counter to parenting styles that don’t set boundaries or standards. Often those situations lead to kids testing and pushing the accepted limits of behavior, in the context that kids don’t really know what their parents expect from them. If there are no enforced standards, kids will keep trying things until they can figure out what their parents or families will tolerate.

In contrast, sharing the belief with our kids that we know they can handle tough things, and bring courage and cooperation to their social interactions, is an important way of showing them respect and care. It communicates that we understand that our children are full human beings, that they are capable, that they have their own inner wisdom, and then they can learn to tap into it.

How is this Stoic?

This way of thinking is deeply rooted in Stoicism. Even if you’re pulled down by the demons of self-doubt (about yourself or your kid), you can always go back to this Stoic concept: I have a spark of reason inside me that helps me discern what’s right and what’s true, as the ancient Stoics pointed out long ago. (Naturally, using reason doesn’t apply to toddlers or infants, but it can apply to kids in grade school and up.)

According to modern philosopher and scholar Lawrence Becker, Stoicism is about maximizing our agency. That means using our ability to think and act, no matter the circumstances.

Emphasizing that we believe our children are capable and strong is a way to bring agency to our parenting as well as to underline our kids’ agency to be the leaders of their lives. The power resides in each of us to do incredible things, and the fuel of others’ confidence in us can help propel us forward.

Believe me when I tell you that this is not always easy for me as a mom! When my older daughter went to study abroad for 4 months at age 17—living away from home, on her own, for the first time—I had to lean heavily into my Stoic practices. I needed to constantly remind myself that I believed she could handle it. And she proved me right! Completely on her own, she learned the ins-and-outs of the subway system and commuting in a major city, how to get groceries in a foreign language, how to cook for herself, how to manage university-level coursework expectations, and so much more.

Share this approach!

Now my teenaged kids are sharing this approach with others. My younger daughter tutors math and reading, for example. She’s letting kids as young as kindergarten know that she thinks they are capable and able to learn, even if they need a little extra help to figure out some concepts. The learning process isn’t the same for everyone, but everyone has the ability to grow.

Over family visits during the holidays, I witnessed my kids bolster their young relatives’ confidence by believing in them. “You can do it!” I overheard my daughters say when one of their cousins brought up potentially pursuing a challenging field of study. They stated a belief in another young person’s abilities to achieve something hard that he wasn’t too sure about yet. In doing so, they offered the gift of support.

This kind of support is invaluable. And it comes with the recognition that there’s no single best or right way to do things. When my kids seem to doubt their path forward, my husband and I share that they should do their best, and they don’t have to strive towards perfection. There’s really no such thing as perfect! We are not robots or computers or Chat-GPT, thank goodness. We are living breathing humans, adults and kids alike. And there will always ben folks who do “better” on some scale. We have no control over that.

The good news: We can exert a network effect on each other’s confidence. Knowing that someone or multiple people believe that you can do a thing has an intensely powerful impact.

So that’s what I’ll leave you with as we ring in the new year. Believe in your children to be strong and brave, and let them know that you do. They may surprise you with what they are capable of!