Social connection and human flourishing
Ancient Stoic thinking and modern health research both show that social connections with other people are critical to our well-being - for adults and kids.
Ancient Stoic thinking held that humans are inherently two things: Rational and sociable. We use the thinking part of our brain to make good judgments, and the sociable part of to work with and support other people in all our various roles (for me, as a mother, daughter, spouse, sibling, friend, colleague, citizen, etc.).
I’ve been contemplating why this matters so much, especially now. It’s pretty clear: If you read or watch the news, you’ll see that efforts towards rational thought along with pro-social behaviors in US politics and the public sphere are both at an all-time low. People are huddled in their online bubbles and echo chambers filled with misinformation, hate, and fear-mongering. Certain politicians tap into overblown rhetoric to create policies that create lasting damage. The divisions seem to be growing in the public sphere every day.
If only things were different, I keep wondering, what would the world be like... Why can’t we focus instead on finding the good in other people and recognizing each others’ strengths? Why can’t we, as a society, work harder to find real connection with other humans?
The answers are very complicated, and division definitely serves some powerful interests on the political stage. Certainly I can’t change other people’s behavior, and some structural things are just messed up. But in the face of that reality, I’ve concluded that I, personally, want to build the sociable nature of my life. And I encourage everyone to try to do the same.
If you’re looking for a reason to make time for this, I’d first point out that it’s supported by Stoic life philosophy. In contrast to what some think Stoicism is about—for instance, the popular “broicism” that focuses on life-hacks to build personal hardiness—the original Stoic thinkers of ancient Greece and Rome were quite clear that we should value other humans, and we need to all work together.
As Marcus Aurelius wrote:
“We were born to work together like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on that person: these are obstructions.”
This approach stems from the Stoic belief in cosmopolitanism—that we are all part of one large human family. As such, nationality or ethnicity was not important to the ancient Stoics. What mattered was the common sense of humanity. I’m not sure that this has ever been truly enacted in our world, given the historical excesses of tribalism and xenophobia. But it’s worth contemplating what it would be like if it were taken seriously.
Other ancient writers, some of whom were Stoics, touched on the nature of “true” friendship as well. I’ve written about Seneca’s view of friendship here. He said that forming friendships should not be instrumental or transactional. Wise individuals may not need friends to do them favors; Seneca tells us that they are truly self-sufficient in finding happiness. Instead, people should make friends because it is natural to be sociable and to surround ourselves with friends and family. Sociability has an “inherent attractiveness” that we could “not live…without”:
As long as the wise person is allowed to order his affairs according to his judgment, he is self-sufficient - and marries a spouse; he is self-sufficient - and brings up children; he is self-sufficient - and yet could not live if he had to live without the society of other people. Natural promptings, and not his own selfish needs, draw him into friendships. For just as other things have for us an inherent attractiveness, so has friendship. As we hate solitude and crave society, as nature draws people to each other, so in this matter also there is an attraction which makes us desirous of friendship.
-Seneca, Letter 9
And if you’re looking for more modern and science-based reasons to invest in your relationships with others, there is also new evidence to support that our need for social ties is a critical element of maintaining good mental—and even physical—health for every human being. In other words: Being lonely and cut off from others can quite literally make you sick.
That is why the US Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, issued an advisory recently about loneliness. If you take a look at the advisory webpage, here’s what you see:
What if there is something in our everyday lives that can transform our whole health and well-being?
Something that can decrease the risk of developing and worsening:
Heart disease
Anxiety
High blood pressure
Dementia
Depression
Diabetes
… That something is social connection.
The page goes on to point out that lacking connection can increase the risk of premature death at levels comparable to smoking daily. Murthy’s report recognizes that natural quality of human sociability, and highlights how the modern world has shifted our lives away from it: “Humans are wired for social connection, but we’ve become more isolated over time.”
The next question: What can we do about this?
As the pandemic’s dangers have diminished, we have new opportunities to increase connection in meaningful ways.
To make this more personal, I’ve tried, over the course of the past year, to re-double my efforts to connect with other humans. It’s sometimes hard due to the constraints on my time (job, family, outside work), so I still have a long way to go to feel more connected… but I’m making a concerted effort. I’m building in time to reach out to friends old and new by call, text, and, if possible, in-person meetups, which has felt amazingly supportive even in a very stressful year. And outside of those I know well, I’ve helped to lead an interfaith dialogue group in my local community, bringing together folks from very different backgrounds. I’ve connected with people via videochat from far away as well.
Finding ways into connection is important in my work, too. In many workplaces, there’s a tendency to point out flaws and gaps. We’re supposed to judge each other’s efforts and give feedback. That’s necessary to improve what we do, and should be done politely and with empathy. But what if we could spend an equal amount of time highlighting people’s strengths and superpowers, and talking to them about what motivates and inspires them? For instance, I have a colleague who creates amazingly detailed, logical emails asking super cogent questions, that probe the basis of what we’re doing and why. I’ve let him know that his way of offering inquiries is super valuable and appreciated, even if it may take me a while to respond with equal thoroughness!
And when I partner with people who help me get something done in my work or volunteering, I try to thank and recognize them and underline what went well. I hope they feel understood and appreciated. If they have a good experience collaborating, I anticipate it could encourage more connection in the future.
With my kids, too, I support them finding time and opportunity to see friends, and make new connections, even if it means more effort for me to drive them around or alter schedules to make it work. Overall, there has been a dismal fall in the amount of time teens in the US spend with their friends outside of school, just “hanging out.” It got a lot worse in the pandemic of course, but even before that, since around 2010, teen time with friends saw a distinct a downward trend.
Psychologist Jean Twenge has studied this extensively. She writes: “Compared with teenagers in previous decades, iGen [or Gen Z] teens are less likely to get together with their friends. They’re also less likely to go to parties, go out with friends, date, ride in cars for fun, go to shopping malls, or go to the movies.” The has led to increased loneliness. She adds: “Rates of depression and unhappiness also skyrocketed among teens after 2012, perhaps because spending more time with screens and less time with friends isn’t the best formula for mental health.”
Some blame social media—it can make you feel like you’re interacting socially, when in fact you’re really just scrolling and comparing, a toxic approach to relating to one’s peers. In my family, I hope that rather than focusing too much on screens, my daughters continue to see friends and classmates and have the chance to hang out, whether it is playing Dungeons and Dragons, going to a club meeting or a school concert, or singing Karaoke.
The benefits are supported by research and not just about alleviating loneliness, but also about coping with ups and downs of life. A neuroscience study showed that teens who spent more time with friends in their teenage years had greater resilience to negative social experiences—such as incidents of rejection by peers—later, as young adults.
So: When the world out there seems dark and divisive, filled with folks yelling at each other, let’s try to counteract it with pro-social approaches—friendships, time spent together, and connecting with other humans, both for our kids and for ourselves.
Love all the research and quotes and personal experience with this. I think it's interesting that many of us turn to these pocket machines for "connection." Going out and personally seeing people, knowing who you're talking to on the other end of the line, making an effort to spend time with someone... beats the machine. Thanks for this write up and a good nudge to reach out to some friends.