The parents are not alright: Part 1
The parents are not alright: Part 1
Parents' stress levels are so bad that the US Surgeon General put out a warning. Let's talk about how Stoicism can help (part 1), and the larger structural issues that need solving (part 2).
It’s back to school season, and it’s not just the kids who are feeling the pressure. It’s us–their moms, dads, and caregivers. And it’s rough.
It’s time to talk about parental stress–a running theme in The Stoic Mom. It turns out that the stress of being a parent in the US today is such a clear and present danger that it was the focus of a health advisory, “Parents Under Pressure,” released by the US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy in August. The advisory focuses on the mental health and well-being of parents. Murthy found that 41 percent of parents say that most days they are so stressed they cannot function, and that 48 percent say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming. (Here’s a page on the Office of the Surgeon General site containing the advisory, a video, and other links.) Clearly things are bad.
Murthy gave interviews sharing that his own experience as a dad of two has caused him to feel exhausted, stressed, and alone, and that he came to believe that the pressure put on parents needed to be highlighted publicly in an effort to direct more resources to help.
Why it’s so stressful to be a parent today
What’s so hard about raising kids in the US today? Parents are stressed out to begin with even in their non-parenting roles, often working long hours to support our families in times of economic disparities, and then coming home to do a second shift caring for children, or for some, older relatives. Data shows we’re spending more time both working and caring for our kids, compared with previous generations. That doesn’t leave much time for doing things that help us feel less exhausted, stressed, and alone.
A few examples of what’s on our minds and taking over our schedules: We spend countless hours fretting over our kids’ education and their learning outside the classroom, driving them to (and paying for) sports and activities, all the while concerned about their ability to navigate their future in a constantly evolving, competitive world. A newer fear also demands parents’ attention: We are worried about the things kids do and are exposed to online, which we cannot always see for ourselves… where dangers lurk from internet trolls to cyberbullies to child abusers to huge tech companies looking to monetize our kids’ eyeballs...
And in the real world, we feel obligated to monitor them as much as possible in a society rife with threats (my daughter is not allowed to wear certain innocuous-looking logos/colors at school anymore, due to gang concerns)... as well as gun violence targeting students (my daughter has a “run, hide, defend drill” coming up at school this week :( ). Oh, and we’re also fighting to get our children healthcare and mental healthcare (amid a rise in teen mental health issues) and support for learning differences in an often broken system.
What’s a Stoic parent to do?
I don’t have all the answers, but I do have a few thoughts. First, I’d like to talk about how we can work on ourselves as individuals using Stoic ideas, and second, how we could explore ways in which our world and society could change to support parents. That second part will be the focus of my next blog post. Read on for the Stoic approach!
How Stoic philosophy can help
The fundamental knot to unravel for Stoic parents is that the act of raising kids involves so much outside our control–both about our kids (their temperament, for example) and about our environment (the school system, for example). Yet we do have an incredibly important influence and provide much-needed caregiving and guidance for our kids.
So parents are living in a stress-inducing paradox. This paradoxical life as lived by a mom of teens was summarized by a witty Instagram post by Whitney Fleming recently. Several slides are filled with the many contradictions of raising teens today. A few choice words: “All they need is love. And rules. And independence. And boundaries. And resilience. And confidence. And humility. And manners. And money.” Sometimes we have to laugh at all the tremendous, and sometimes even absurd, expectations placed on moms, dads, and caregivers.
For me, Stoicism helps moderate my parental stress because it allows me to focus on the things that matter most, and assists me in feeling confident about how I chose to act and decisions.
It also allows me to try to gain an understanding of my kids’ own views and knowledge of their situation… Since mine are teens who have grown to be independent individuals, I take that into account more now than ever.
With a Stoic mindset, we start by questioning our impressions and using our sense of reason to make decisions. Remember the old question: If everyone else were jumping off a bridge, would you do it too? Same thing holds for parents. You do not have to follow the crowd. Impressions are our knee-jerk responses based on what we think we see and know, often influenced by our peers or by fear-mongering around us. We can look deeper and tap into reason to discern the reality/possibilities of the bigger picture perspective. That’s the Stoic discipline of assent. In other words, “don’t believe everything you think”—at least not initially. Analyze what could be true, not only what those around you believe or what seems to jump out at face value.
An example: If your analysis says that you should not allow your child to get a smart phone at all, or until high school, then hold onto that judgment. It will likely be hard because many kids won’t agree with this decision and will share all the reasons why, based on interactions with their peers. And tons of companies all around you are urging you to buy phones and get apps. But this one is your decision to make. Your mindset and the knowledge you are making a well-reasoned decision can support you.
Or maybe your child doesn’t want to attend school. It’s a monumental issue because schooling is critical to their future. What are your impressions about this? Could you gain an understanding of your child’s impressions by talking with them? If you take a step back, using your spark of reason, would you assent to the idea that they shouldn’t attend? Stoicism will not determine your answer, but it can give you a process to assess the reality.
Maybe you would assent that the schooling offered doesn’t match your child’s needs, and you’d decide to homeschool. Or maybe you would come to see instead that based on information you gather, the school is generally OK, and you’d decide to hold a boundary that school is required for your child. Or maybe you’d discover, by communicating with your child, that there are real problems in the classroom—and those issues are serious enough to make you decide to try to move schools or school districts. There’s no one correct answer—the Stoic focus is on how the decision is made, and therefore gives you more confidence in its wisdom.
Note: We’ll only learn about our kids’ impressions by clear communication with them, which is not always easy. And for younger kids, we can recognize that they may not be able to understand the wider perspective and get to an appropriate “assent” until their age/maturity and use of their own reason grows. For that age group, the decision making falls squarely on our shoulders as caregivers.
Using the Stoic virtues to judge choices
When we approach each of our decisions as parents , we can do it from a framework of exercising the primary Stoic virtues: Wisdom, Justice/Fairness, Courage, and Moderation. Is this choice wise for me? For my child? Perhaps the wise choice is to make a change—even if it’s a hard or disappointing thing to do. Or perhaps it’s the opposite: teaching perseverance matters more in this situation. Again, Stoic thinking will not dictate one correct answer.
Instead, use your reason to assess and then pick your course, knowing you can’t always control the outcome. Applying a Stoic-inspired decision-making process that gets beneath the swirling social pressures around us and our own purely emotional, knee-jerk reactions can help us feel confident in our choices as parents.
More virtue thinking: Is it brave? Parenting means having the courage for your kid to dislike you sometimes, when you’re doing the hard work of setting expectations and holding boundaries in place. Is it fair? Am I making a choice that’s in the best interests of my child and my family while preserving a wider sense of justice, in the context we’re in? Is it moderate/temperate? Am I seeing this through the cloud of my own feelings or history, or through a well-reasoned perspective, gathering the facts and analyzing them without anger or frustration or fear?
Applying this approach is often demanding (and time-consuming), but if we do it, we grow in virtue, in a Stoic sense. And we may feel less stressed because we have a framework for our decisions, one that lends confidence and inner strength. To me, that means it’s worth it to take the time to commit to this thought process.
Next time in part 2: I’ll delve into a few of the structural issues making it tough to be a parent in the US today. To be continued!