Welcome to The Stoic Mom newsletter!
And here's my latest post: As a mom, have I forgotten who I am?
Hello, friends of The Stoic Mom!
First, thank you so much for following The Stoic Mom blog. You are the reason I keep sharing posts about the questions and challenges that we face as parents, the issues our kids are coping with, and the benefits of practicing modern Stoicism with a compassionate mindset!
Now I have news: I’m launching a newsletter on Substack, which promises to do a brilliant job of depositing my words directly in your inbox (that has been a problem with my current blog platform for a while!). I plan to continue to post on my blog but hope to be able to share even more in this newsletter format. Here’s the first Substack newsletter - hope you like it!
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So, to get things started, here’s my latest post from The Stoic Mom blog. Thanks for reading, and please feel free to share this with others! They can be added to the newsletter list via this button:
As a mom, have I forgotten who I am?
There's a weird thing about being a mom: You can forget who you are.
As a parent, you struggle to recall what you wanted for just you, before you had kids. Everything becomes a calculation of how kids will react or respond to what you do, and that calculation often takes precedent over what you want for yourself. You forget how to choose for yourself.
This happens at a really small, granular level—I’ve asked myself, when my kids aren’t around, what foods do I really like (just me, not to share with my children)? What TV shows do I want to watch on my own, if I have the TV to myself all Sunday afternoon? What places do I like to shop, without family in tow? What vacation destination would I pick, if it were just me, or just me and my husband?
But it also happens at a very deep, philosophical level. Have I forgotten how to be myself? What do I want for myself? Who is the person I wanted to be, before I had kids? Who am I now?
I’ve been reading Who You Were Meant to Be: A Guide to Finding or Recovering Your Life’s Purpose by psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson. She helps readers think about what they are really drawn to, what interests them deeply (rather than what others want them to be interested in), what kinds of jobs they want to do, what they want their relationships to look like.
Much of her focus is on her clients who did not make life choices that they’re happy with, many of whom were influenced by controlling parents. They find that later in life, they aren’t doing well emotionally, and want to make big changes.
But what about those of us who are parents ourselves, and who have been shaped for the last umpteen years by our children’s needs, wishes, and personalities? It’s not that my kids are controlling me, it’s that I shifted so many aspects of my life in order to be able to care for them. That’s been true since the moment they were born, and I am not complaining! I chose to do that, making my kids my highest priority.
On one hand, I would never, ever in a million years give up that shaping. It would be a cliché to say it’s kept me young at heart (and a true one). It’s made me more emotionally intelligent and aware in ways I never imagined. As a parent, you need to constantly stay flexible and shift gears on a moment’s notice, putting others’ needs before your own, dealing with crises and challenging questions and many things you wish you could avoid but have no real choice about (currently coping with an onslaught of bureaucratic paperwork for back to school/back to sports is just one tiny example!).
But on the other hand, parenting has also made me prioritize my kids and family over some of my deepest wishes for my own life. Again, I’m not complaining here. Just acknowledging. For example, I recently preferred to spend my week off work helping my daughters get ready for their summer programs, taking them to Target and Walgreens, pulling out their duffel bags, reviewing their packing lists, allaying their concerns, helping them enjoy final moments of freedom at home before heading out to new group settings… I did all this rather than working on my own writing projects. Rather than fulfilling my personal wishes, I decided to help them realize their summer dreams. I had an important motive—I wanted to soak in the little time I had with them during summer, time that feeds my soul as a mom.
And now both of my daughters are gone, one for just a week, and one for 4 weeks. My husband and I suddenly have the run of the house. And while we are busy working or heading out to meetings during the day, it seems normal, but suddenly, as I came home to an empty house this evening, I found myself in shock.
I know this is an early taste of the “empty nest.” I thought it would be quiet and empty. But the odd thing is, more than that, I felt boring and dull and uncertain of what I would do with myself. For all this time I’d been struggling to sneak in a few minutes for my writing, between my full time job and my daughters’ needs and other family members I wanted to spend time with… and suddenly, now that I have hours to choose how to spend, I felt a sudden sense of blankness.
I’ve long known that my children are separate from me. As a Stoic, I hold this knowledge close, remembering that my kids need to make their own choices, and that they have to take some responsibility for what they decide and what they do. I also understand that I have agency over myself, and I can choose to devote more of my time to my interests, especially those that uphold the virtues. However, my role as a mother takes precedence. And I genuinely love to spend time with my daughters. They are cool, interesting, fun, smart, and humorous people, who keep me guessing and laughing. They (and coffee) are my lifeblood!
So I’ll be missing them now, and I’ll miss them even more later. Again, Stoicism reminds us we don’t possess our children or any other humans, and that all is transient. One day we have them, another day we don’t. It’s the way of the world, and holding out for another option is absurd. I will try my best not to hold onto them, but rather to prepare them for the world, and to help them take flight in it.
And I’ll work to be grateful for the time that’s allowed to me with my teens, and try to use to coach them to develop their character, their grit, wisdom, sense of service to others and confidence in themselves, their moderation in all things, and their courage. I will stay mindful of the moments we share together. And I will still always be there (as long as I am alive) to do my mom thing. To chat, to ask, to listen, to do, and to just be present.
But for now, while they are away, I get the TV to myself for the next couple hours, to watch the most dry historical documentary I can find, or maybe the oldest classic movie in black and white. It seems I’ve forgotten how to decide.
I’ve been thinking about this and the ‘how’ of working out what I would like at any moment and going forward. As you say, decisions have been shaped by being a Mum for so long, but also I’ve changed from who I was in my 20s (pre-motherhood times). When it comes to free time/ hobbies/ activities, I had heard of people say ‘what did you enjoy doing when you were young?’ and so I took this approach of looking back for a gauge. I hadn’t actually stuck with any sport or activity per se but I did enjoy roller blading, so I took up roller skating and joined a local Rollerfit class. Although I did partially justify this through a parenting lense of being able to do this with my daughter and I could mostly learn it at home with the kids, it has added to my life hugely and it is ‘my’ thing that I now shape some parenting decisions around (like, let’s play at the basketball courts today so my youngest can learn his scooter while I’m on skates).
However, when it comes to my career path, I don’t know that the ‘looking back’ method makes sense. If anything, it might be keeping me in a state of angst: I had developed a career in a ‘purpose driven’ role (climate change action). I resigned when I had my daughter and now I have maximum flexibility working in my husband’s building company. We are financially secure and it allows me to prioritise being there for the kids. This is what I want for now when they are young. But will I ever be able to have a career (or want one) ‘just for me’ and my values / interests again? If I decide to go back to the typeof career I had before kids when they are older, will I have been out of the industry / my original career for too long for it to count? Do I even have the energy for it and if not, are these actually still my values and interests or have I just not let go of pre-Mum me? If these aren’t my values any more, what are? Am I trying to force an answer that I don’t need to ask the question for yet?
I realise I am asking these questions from a very privileged and lucky place.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Sarah, and your questions! I love that you joined a Rollerfit class and found ways to weave that into your busy life as a Mum. This is a great example of the co-creation of our lives with our kids - often, we decide on doing something that can fit in with our kids' needs and interests, but that can also add value for us. And for me, that's a good thing, because I enjoy spending time with my children and being together with them, even if it wouldn't have been my top choice pre-kids.
I understand what you mean about career paths... Your questions are spot-on! And so difficult to answer. For me personally, when my kids were young, I cut way back on my working hours (leaving a full-time position) to be their primary caregiver. Over the years, I have found that my career evolved continuously as my children got older, and I decided to apply for and take on a more ambitious job when they were in middle school and elementary school. I finally had the bandwidth to try for it at that stage. It's led me to new and unexpected places. I would love to hear more as you continue on your parenting and career journeys!